Intentionality & Self-Deception

Do people really mean to harm?

“I shouldn’t have been drinking that night.” “I knew I should not have trusted her.” “I’m sure they meant well, I probably misunderstood their intentions.” These are all statements of self blame. An important aspect of trauma work is helping the victim work through tenacious feelings of self blame. When a person experiences significant harm or abuse, especially as a child, it is common for the abused person to take responsibility for all or some part of the harm. It is difficult for them to place full responsibility where it belongs. Being able to shift out of self blame and place responsibility on the abuser is healing but difficult work. Being able to see and name the intentionality of the abuser can begin to shift this self blame response. However, how can we name intentionality in abuse and harm without a clear admission of guilt? This is where the concept of self deception aides in the healing of trauma.

It is a regular part of my work with clients to talk about the ways in which family or friends have harmed or abused them. And it is typical for them to have a myriad of reasons why the harm was not intentional. Here are some examples: “My father didn’t mean to hurt me; this was just how he was raised so doesn’t know any better.” “My mother just needed someone to talk to, she didn’t know that sharing intimate details about her relationship with my dad was confusing and hurtful for me.” “My boyfriend didn’t sexually take advantage of me, because I didn’t verbally say no, so he thought I was okay with having sex.”

Why is it so difficult to hold those responsible for the harm, accountable for the harm? I believe there are several factors that get in the way:

Grooming. This is the gradual process of building trust with an intended victim. Perpetrators will slowly and skillfully draw a person into a trusting relationship in such a way that the unwanted behavior feels mutually agreed upon and thus the victim feels complicit in the harm.
The Nature of Trauma. The experience of trauma is emotionally overwhelming to the individual. Consequently trauma is experienced foremost in the body and thus in the non linguistic center of the brain. Since the traumatic experience is largely without words, the abused person creates a false narrative to make sense of their experience.
Preservation of the Status Quo. The need for safety and security in children is powerful and so they will actively work to reframe harm by a caregiver as “not meaning to” in order to preserve any shred of security. A quote from the movie, The Tale, about childhood sexual abuse, written and directed by Jennifer Fox illustrates this point: “Funny how you live with people in your mind; inside they’re always the same – you live with them, happily never wanting them to change…We tell ourselves stories in order to survive”.

Some harm is premeditated. This occurs when the person doing the harm, plans it ahead of time. An example might be a group of Jr. Higher’s waiting for another boy to walk home so they can mock, belittle, humiliate or physically assault him. Or the father who comes into a daughters bedroom at night after she falls asleep to violate her sexually. Both of these are examples of intentional AND premeditated harm.

All premeditated harm is intentional, however, not all intentional harm has a component of premeditation. One example is the mother who leaves the room as her husband begins to berate her son. She didn’t pre plan her leaving, however she knows her husband is volatile and has a pattern of being physically and emotionally violent with their son. In this example there is intentional harm of verbal and physical abuse from the father and intentional harm from the mother for leaving the room and choosing not to confront her husband and protect her son.

This leads us to the concept of Self Deception. Self deception is the act of lying to oneself or making oneself believe something that is not true. The Process of Self Deception starts with ignoring a prompt. We all have a curated image of who we think we are and of how we want to be seen. Some common examples are: kind, intelligent, good mother, good father, compassionate, patient, accepting, strong and so forth. We work hard to show up in ways that are congruent with the kind of person we want to be and/or the kind of person we want others to see us as. However, we are unable to be that person all the time. What happens when discrepancies arise between ones imagined or idealized self and ones actual behavior? What a person does with that incongruence either leads them into he process of self deception or personal responsibility.

Everyday people are in situations and given opportunities to act or refrain from acting in ways that will be consistent with who they desire to be. A person will experience a prompt and either honor it, or ignore it. Here are some examples: Prompt: To open a door for a stranger; honor it and be thoughtful and kind or ignore it and appear rude and insensitive. Prompt: To stick up for a child with an aggressive coach; honor it and

feel like a good parent or ignore it and risk feeling weak and scared. Prompt: To apologize to ones partner; honor it and feel caring and loving, ignore it and feel entitled and selfish.

The process of self deception engages when we end up ignoring prompts like these. When we ignore a prompt there will be an experience of tension and internal conflict. In order to deal with that tension and inner conflict, the person begins to spin a new narrative to ease the uncomfortable feelings. They give themselves permission to engage in what we call self-betrayal: the intentional crafting of ones image to ease the internal tension between the idealized self and ones actual behavior.

When Self Deception becomes a pattern of self betrayal then the new narrative is seen as true. When a person is actively engaged in this pattern they will look for and gather evidence to support their new false narrative. This in turn warps a persons perspective and sense of themself. They will literally not be able to clearly understanding the person they are in the situation they are self deceived about. Additionally, a self deceived person is resistant to any alternative ways of thinking about themselves, the person they are harming and the situation they are engaged in. And they enter the mental loop of excuse and accuse; where a self deceived person lets themselves off the hook for their behaviors and thinking and conversely gives themselves permission to treat the other person poorly.

The people who harmed us had numerous opportunities to honor or ignore a prompt to behave appropriately. And they ignored it.

They had a prompting to protect us and chose not to.
They had a prompting to manage their anger in a way that was respectful to us, and they chose not to.
They had a prompting to withhold the belittling comment and they choose not to.
They had a prompting to not touch us in inappropriate ways, and they choose to do so anyway.
They had a prompting to stay with us so we wouldn’t be alone and scared and they choose to leave.
They had a prompting to tell us the truth and chose not to.
They had a prompting not to use us for emotional support and they choose to use us anyway.
They had a prompting to give us affection and love and they choose to withhold.

Naming the particularities of harm within the trauma people have experienced, brings much needed freedom to the survivor. The particularities include: the responsible person, any co-conspirators, the motives of the harm and intentionality of harm. When therapy and helping professionals are not this thorough, the risk to the trauma survivor is living with a life sentence of feeling complicit and paying for a crime they didn’t commit. This false conviction steals life, agency and freedom from the survivor.

(For more reading on the concept of Self-Deception see the book, Leadership and Self Deception, by The Arbinger Institute.)

Cyndi Mesmer, LCPC is the Co-Owner and Clinical Director of The Art of Living Counseling Center, located at 900 Pyott Rd # 102, Crystal Lake, IL. To learn about workshops and trainings at The Art of Living Counseling Cetner, or to schedule an appointment call 815-444-9076 or email Cyndi at artofliving2@me.com.